The true source of discovering and receiving fulfilling and satisfying loving relationships lies not from seeking love from another person, but rather, love is first found within ourselves. Our own thoughts, expectations and behaviors determine the quality of love we experience in our lives.

We can recognize true love in that it is always empowering. True love gives with no expectation or demands in return. True love that comes from a place within ourselves expresses concern, kindness and joyfulness. We can know if we are experiencing true love by noticing how we feel. Being needy, experiencing yearnings to control or manipulate someone else, conjuring up intentions or schemes to punish someone because they have disappointed us, constantly finding flaws instead of acceptance, feeling possessive or jealous, or experiencing fright or sadness all weaken and disempower us with fear, resentment, and anger. We can recognize that these feelings are not caused by true love.

These feelings are all generated by seeking to get love from someone else. But we cannot get love by demanding it or trying to force someone to love us. Love is never found with demands or ultimatums. It is impossible to have true love by seeking it from someone else. These feelings make powerless victims out of us so that our happiness is wholly dependent upon someone else behaving in a certain way. These feelings give us a very thin and weak rope upon which to cling. We know that at any moment this rope can be severed, causing us to fall into despair and grief.

If we find ourselves in this situation, the good news is that we need not remain in this vulnerable state that disempowers and weakens us. That is because true love is sourced within ourselves, and as we take steps to meet and get to intimately know this true love that resides within each and every one of us, we are able to discover enormous joy, bliss, comfort, kindness and happiness. We recognize these as empowering feelings that strengthen and nourish us. These feelings produce strong and unbreakable cords that will gently carry us through any obstacles along our way.

As we discover and give energy to this power source of true love that exists within ourselves we will stop seeking love from outside of ourselves. We will know that our source of happiness is not dependent on the behaviors of someone else. We are the only ones that create and own our own happiness. Our own happiness and contentment will cause us to awaken within us thoughts that will cause us to express and give out true love and to receive true love. This true love will be kind, encouraging, comforting, and accepting, all of which empower our lives.

Tags: Love, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self Esteem, Spiritual Growth

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1. The True Secret to Self-Esteem

At last, you have found the person of your dreams; the one you’ve been searching for all of your life, and then one day you begin to feel a little trapped, with no time just for yourself. Most people want to a have a healthy relationship with their ideal soul mate but in order to keep this relationship on an even keel, it is imperative to have a little “me” time too.

It is not ideal for you to always be with your partner. This is a common mistake made by many couples, whether they are still in the honeymoon stage of their love affair or they have been together for years. If you create time for yourself you will have a lot more to offer to your partnership.

Many people who spend most of their time with their mate feel lonely and confused when they are away from them for any reason but there are a few ways you can combat this feeling, and at the same time give your best to your partner when you are together.

1. Pass the evening with your head buried in a good book. This peaceful time at home, reading with no interruptions will rejuvenate you when you meet up with your love again.

2. Watch a movie that you have been waiting to see – one that holds no interest for your partner, say, a good chick flick for example. Don’t tell yourself you cannot ever see this movie just because your partner does not want to see it.

3. Pay a visit to your family. They are important and should not be neglected as you maybe did when you were first so wrapped up with the new love of your life.

4. Chill out with your mates. If they are good friends you will be able to loosen up and there will be no need to worry about how you are coming across to them. If your partner displays an unnatural jealousy towards you friends, it may be worth considering whether or not to continue with the relationship. Ask yourself “is this healthy?”

5. Partake in sports or your favorite leisure time activity. For instance, if you play golf but your partner doesn’t there is absolutely no reason why you should not get yourself down to the golf course for a few rounds. There is nothing you should not be doing, just because it is not an interest of your partner.

6. Sometimes it just great to stay in and have a pamper night. Relax in a hot tub with candles and soothing music. This is sure to enhance your mood for later on when you see your partner again.

7. Shop ‘till you drop. Go and treat yourself to something nice, and if you are feeling generous you can always buy your partner something new too. If you are short of cash you can always window shop making plans for your next payday.

Stop for lunch while shopping and enjoy that whopping chocolate desert, you know, the one you would be too ashamed for your lover to see you plowing your way through.

Keeping your relationship alive and healthy requires “me” as much as “we” time. Likewise when your partner discovers their own time is important, don’t be jealous, allow them to chill in their own way too. This can only strengthen your relationship and prepare the way for a long a happy future together.

Tags: Love, Personal Growth, Self Esteem

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If you were to scan the headlines of any major newspaper in the world on any given day, you can be excused for thinking that life is a battlefield where the purpose of it all is to survive.

However, you may have also noticed that nobody gets out of here alive.

Thus, if life is not a biological battlefield, designed to ensure the biological imperative of survival of the fittest, then what is it all about?

Once the Existentialist philosophers figured out that survival could not be the purpose of life, they fell into despair. In “Nausea,” a novel by Jean Paul Sartre, he suggested that the best one could hope for is to enjoy a little entertainment before the curtain went down.

However, life is much more like a game, a spiritual game. Specifically, it is a game of giving and receiving. “Whatsoever a man soweth that shall he also reap,” said the master teacher.

In order to reap good stuff, you are advised to “Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life.” (Prove. 4:23) What does this mean? Your heart is your imagination. The issues of life are your experiences. Thus, you are advised to imagine the best of things to start experiencing them.

Socrates suggested that the best thing a person could do to understand life is adhere to the idea of “Gnothi Seauton,” or knowing yourself. These words were inscribed on the lintel at the entrance to the Temple of Apollo at Delphi in Ancient Greece.

Thus, for our life to evolve we have to give up the metaphor of life as a biological battlefield and replace it with a new one–life as a spiritual game.

As a game, we win by sowing what is true, good, and beautiful.

In Dante Aligheri’s “The Divine Comedy,” he suggested that the path to degradation was to pursue “luxuria” or lust, “gula” or gluttony, “avarita” or greed, “acedia” or sloth, “ira” or wrath, “invidia” or envy, and “superbia” or pride. In other words, the way to lose the game of life is to sow these seeds.

So, if life is a spiritual game, how do we play it well?

We have been given one clue: we reap what we sow.

We also have another clue: know thyself.

When you put the two together, you get a formula for a happy, fulfilling life.

When you know yourself, you will also know what is true, good, and beautiful, and you will be able to sow it for an abundant harvest.

The way you get to know yourself is not through study of the world without. While this may be useful, it is not the way for deep self-knowledge. Instead true self-inquiry has to arise from praxis. In this way, you can access deep knowledge from within.

Praxis is daily spiritual practice for the purpose of self-knowledge. Praxis can include prayer, contemplation, meditation, and esoteric, spiritual, or religious practices.

The purpose of life is to be happy. You will become happy when you have self-knowledge. You can acquire self-knowledge through praxis. When you do, you will sow things that are life affirming. In return, you will meet both your outer and inner needs.

Life is not about surviving it is about thriving. It is about realizing the “perfect pattern” referred to by Plato, or what we moderns would call the “divine design.”

Tags: Love, Personal Growth, Self Esteem, Spiritual Growth

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Communication problems are one of the biggest sources of relationship conflict and they can become so serious that complete relationship breakdown results. Often people don’t listen attentively to one another. Active listening is not about agreeing with someone, it is simply about understanding what the other person is trying to say.

It is a structured approach to establishing true understanding in communication yet it can be conducted in a relaxed and informal way so that it flows naturally from the conversation itself. It involves listening, questioning and rephrasing to ensure that the message received is the same as the one intended to be given.

The most important aspect of communication lies not in the speaking, but surprisingly in the listening. This is because that all perception is subjective and every word that we hear is filtered through our personal beliefs and values. Consequently, we can place an emotional meaning on an exchange that is unintended by the speaker.

When we decide to listen actively to someone’s words, we are choosing to be objective and distance ourselves from our own automatic responses. The way we hear someone, can have more to do with us than with the other person. Active listening, therefore, promotes both focused attention and objectivity.

Communication is a two-way process. However, whereas the speaker assumes that the listener is hearing what he intends to say, the listener has the power to clarify meaning and control the exchange. Unfortunately, people often are only half listening to a conversation and are distracted by other things. When they are listening carefully, they are biased in how they hear. No wonder, then, that interpersonal communication is a major problem area for people. We all have different ways of looking at the world and different experiences which can interfere with how we ‘read’ another person and interpret what is being said.

Active listening is the process of focusing on what the speaker is saying and then saying it back in one’s own words to ensure that accurate communication has occurred, i.e. “This is what I heard you say, is this correct?” Active listening encourages mutual understanding. A listener who is practicing active listening can also mirror back to the speaker the emotions that they think he or she is conveying by their words, attitude and body language.

For example, an active listener might say to a speaker “I get the sense that you felt humiliated when …” This allows the speaker to either confirm or deny this or clarify their position further. By mirroring emotions as well as rephrasing the words, the listener can create a strong sense of rapport with the other person by demonstrating empathy and a genuine desire to understand.

There are clear benefits to using active listening skills to enhance interpersonal communication and minimize conflict. Firstly, active listening requires that you actually pay close attention to what the other person is saying. You cannot half listen to someone and at the same time be thinking of something else and expect to understand the other person’s intentions.

So by practicing active listening you choose to deliberately focus your attention on what someone is saying and how they are saying it. Secondly, active listening helps to avoid misunderstandings. The very practice of expressing back to someone what you believe they have said and even how you believe they are feeling about the topic can prevent misinterpretation. Finally, active listening encourages openness and trust because the genuine intention of the hearer is to actually understand the intention of the speaker.

Interpersonal conflict involves a great deal of miscommunication. Each party can contradict the other person’s interpretation of words and events while being equally confident that they are right and the other person is at the least mistaken, and at the most a liar. It is no wonder that such attitudes trigger defensiveness in the other person causing them to either fight back or stop trying.

The way that we perceive other people and what they are attempting to communicate to us is central to the success of our relationships. Once we understand that as listeners we have a large part to play in the success of the communication process, we realize the power of active listening to improve our relationships and change our lives. When both parties to a conversation commit themselves to the process of active listening, conflicts can be resolved and relationships can be strengthened.

Active listening can be used for all forms of interpersonal communication. It can improve communication in the workplace and thus enhance your career. It can also be used to enhance personal relationships at all levels. You can learn active listening skills easily and improve them by practicing. The benefits of doing so will be enormous.

Tags: Love, Personal Growth, Self Esteem, Spiritual Growth

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Seeking advice for problems with our relationships can be fraught with difficulties. If you have a leaky roof you get it fixed straight away, but did you know that on average it takes us 6 years to fix a relationship or sexual problem? By that time things are so bad the lawyers have to be called in. Treat your counselor as your best buddy. So if you and your wife are arguing all the time get help before you stop talking altogether.

Just recently there was a magazine article which asked whether the therapists themselves practiced what they preached and guess what? They all sought help well BEFORE they got into difficulties. All of them talked to their therapist even for half an hour on the telephone to get things straight in their minds and to give them a different way of dealing with things.

You are thinking maybe this is a sign of “I can’t manage my affairs” or “this is a sign of failure” RUBBISH. Many of us are brought up to deal with emotions in certain ways and do not have the skills to do things any other way. That will be the same as our partner too. Very often our arguments get personal like “you always do this and that; you’re lazy!” Think how would YOU feel if someone said that to you? Or we say “and another thing” so before we know it we have gone off track and the original trigger for the argument gets lost in all the other things we want to bring up. Stick to one thing at a time. Discuss it rationally and try to find a compromise and not dig your heels in for your way. For both of you to win at arguing you both need to come away with a sense of achievement.

If it ends in a fight take “time out” and resolve to come back to the subject later. In this “time out” time think about what is REALLY bugging you. Here is an example: Say he left his clothes on the bathroom floor yet again, you are tired from a hard day at the office, all you see are the dirty clothes and the fact that you have to clear up after him yet again: cue for a row.

Now what if you said to him “do you realize that when you leave your clothes on the bathroom floor it makes me feel angry, and I feel like I am your doormat to clear up after you?” What do you think his reaction will be? You can bet he will be surprised and will pick his clothes up and put them in the laundry bin where they should be. You could go further and say, “As I am so angry it makes me feel resentful towards you and if you want a kiss and cuddle I want to get away from you.” You can bet your sweet dollar he will soon see the error of his ways.

Therapists can give you the tools to change the way you speak to each other. They are able to look beyond what you are saying and find out the real reasons for the conflict. Sometimes though they uncover things that you would rather weren’t there and were perhaps avoiding. It is healthier for the relationship if difficulties are aired quickly and in a positive atmosphere. If there is a huge amount of resentment and anger it can take some time to sort out.

So seek help soon if you run into trouble. If you say you can’t afford it think about how much the separation and divorce is going to cost!

Tags: Love, Personal Growth, Self Esteem, Wellness

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1. Letting Go of Attention Seeking Behavior

AFC’s, AMOGs, Chick Crack, LSE, LMR, Peacocking. Welcome to the world of the seduction community. A microcosm of community who have their own abbreviations and terminology, which are, for the most part, undecipherable to the general populace. This of course is not unusual. Internet Marketers have terms such as MLM, Affiliates, Click Flipping, Downlines, Uplines, Two-tier and the list goes on.

If there were a formula for Internet Marketing success then would you like to know it? Well that’s a subject of a different article. But, in the realm of dating there are a number of multipliers that can improve your dating success exponentially.

There is a fascinating book entitled The Game by New York Time author Neil Strauss that looks at the underbelly of the seduction community where he lived and learns from one of the most famous seduction artists in the World – Mystery. Neil, who describes himself as far from attractive, close to bald with small and beady eyes, and a malnourished look. His plan was never to change his personality but over the course of two years his personality completely changed and his alter-ego Style became more popular than he had ever been; especially with women.

Some believe that our brains still have remnants of ways of acting from caveman days when communities were typically around 50 people. If this were true then if you were to go up to a cave girl and be rejected then that could mean you being rejected by the whole tribe and your survival and replication value would be fairly low. Whether that is the case or not most of us know how scary going up to somebody you are attracted to can be – palms sweating, nervous gestures (e.g. hand wringing).

Many salesmen will have a proven script that they use to try and get a prospect to buy. Telesales teams may have many people all using the same or very similar script. When you are going to be in a situation where you are going to be naturally nervous – doesn’t it make sense to have an idea of something to say? For many the most they have thought about this is “Hi, How are you?” or “Can I buy you a drink?” Certainly that is better than standing next to the woman and drooling or perhaps muttering incomprehensibly but most likely it is not going to send her heart in a flutter of emotional excitement.

Coming back to the analogy of the salesman – they have a number of closes with strange names like the boomerang close, the Columbo Close (just one more thing.). In dating you can have a number of openers to add to your arsenal. One of the terms mentioned at the start of the article was “Chick Crack” and this refers to routines involving tests, fortune-telling, psychological games, and the like. The purpose of having such a routine is to differentiate yourself from the majority of men – to pique their interest and to demonstrate higher value. Also it means you have at least one default thing to say when approaching somebody.

A telemarketer may use a script written by the company and in the same way many people use proven routines that have been developed “in the field” at least at first. Neil Strauss/Style innovated a number of his own routines that are still in use by people today. Ideally you will want to develop your own openers to help you build comfort with a member of the opposite sex but to build momentum and get comfortable initially you can begin with proven openers.

A very interesting and important concept to dating can be found in the name of the book mentioned earlier – “The Game”. How is dating like a game? Consider you are playing a computer game on your computer. You are playing and you lose – do you quit or do you persevere and try again? You find as you persevere you get better at the game and finish the level. Sometimes you may try multiple times to complete a level – many times progressing a little further. The same analogy can be applied to dating – it’s not enough to speak to one girl and then if you don’t get a date to quit.

Imagine a telemarketer who called the first customer and they hung up and they don’t call anybody else for the rest of the day – they’d rightly lose their job. Many doing a job such as this may call 100 people in a day and get 0 or 1 sale. As with many things – the more you practice the better you get. In the world of dating this means putting yourself out there and honing your skills in the real world.

Does anybody comment positively on your clothing or hair? When was the last time somebody did? If it has been some time or you can’t remember then it may be a very good idea to address this aspect. If you can afford it then you may wish to consider a stylist. If you wish to see the difference that can be made then you may wish to search on Google Images for “Neil Strauss” and I’m sure you will be able to see a before and after picture.

A final tip to help you in your dating adventures is to clear up a common myth many of you will have heard. A helpful friend may suggest “Just Be Yourself”. This should be rephrased to “Be Your Best Self!” because most people live a life that is nowhere near the potential we have of who we really are or who we want to be.

So be your best self and best of luck in your dating adventures.

Tags: Love, Personal Growth, Self Esteem, Spiritual Growth

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1. Get More Out of Life: 5 Tips to Focus on You